(READER TAKE NOTE: I suspect some of you may be slightly offended and may even disagree with some of what is written here. These are only my observations and are not meant to offend or cause debate. On the other hand, I hope you find some of the words useful.)
I may be one of the world’s worst listeners, but recently I
saw another example of why listening may be one of the most crucial skills a
Christian can hone.
I was at a Christian gathering where a woman in our women’s group
was pouring out her heart about how a bad church experience earlier in life has
made it very difficult for her to attend church services now. She was sharing about a recent time in which
she had a panic attack during a church service and had to leave. A few other members of the group immediately
began sharing advice including what she needed to do to get past the panic
attack and how she needed to leave that church and find one that suited
her. I’m not sure who was actually
listening to what this hurting woman was saying.
Why is it that so many women (in my experience, predominantly
Christian women) feel the need to give advice when someone shares details of a
personal trial? We should tear a page
from the ‘Man’s Book of Helpful Life Hacks’* that teaches them how to “fix”
their woman’s problems – you know the 'book' – the one we’d love to burn in a
fire pit!
Most women who cry out in suffering don’t seek advice – they
seek understanding! They want someone to
listen and care! Not fix!
I listened as women in this group inundated this poor woman
with words. One woman was still pounding
in “helpful” advice as we left the group.
Truthfully, as she was sharing, I too was thinking about what I could
offer, but then it was if God said to me in that moment, “Listen! Keep your mouth
shut! Let your heart engage, and pray.”
I wonder how much pain is kept silent among Christian women
because they dread the words that follow from their audience.
Words they’ve heard. Answers they
already know. And so their pain is held
close because what they really desire is ears to hear, a heart to absorb and
arms to provide a hug. I believe this is
one reason the Apostle James wrote:
“My
dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak…” (James 1:19a - NIV)
There have been so many times in my own life when I needed
to pour my heart out about trials, failures, needs, etc. and I stopped short of
doing it because I dreaded the words to follow.
Even some of my closest friends have cut me off with advice. Don’t get me wrong. I love my friends so much, but I tell you I could almost mouth their advice verbatim because I’d already spoken it to
myself. At this interaction my heart often drops, I become flustered and
I feel the need to qualify my words with more words as my heart is crying
out: “Don’t speak, just ‘love’ me!”
Earlier I said I may be one of the “worst” listeners. I love to talk. I love the idea of being the “wisest” person
in the room. Notice I said, ‘I love the idea of being the wisest. . .’ I seldom am.
God help me when I open my mouth before I’m asked. Forgive me for the times when I stopped way
short of being helpful. I know I
have. I know I may continue to do
this. It is the continued curse of sin
that puts me before others.
If you learn one thing from this writing – let it be this –
when someone shares from the heart keep the figurative ‘duct tape’ close
by. Take a deep breath. Put a hand over your mouth. Close your eyes and imagine what’s going on
inside of them. And most importantly ask
God to help you listen with both ears and with your heart and then let Him guide
you with your next move. That move could
prove to be most crucial. It may make
the difference between a moment of self-gratification or glorification for you + prolonged
pain for them and a moment of peace for them + a tremendous blessing for
you.
Today I start practicing this with you -- again. I’ll take up the cross in this area.
As always we are a work in progress by God’s grace and for
His glory!
*This book does not actually
exist. It is a figment of the author’s
imagination. At least – I hope it is!
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