The Thorn in my Flesh

Long time, no see. I haven't stopped writing. I've just stopped recording. Here's another installment . . .


Hello. My name is Martha, and I have a thorn in my flesh.

A thorn. Just like the apostle Paul. It’s a piercing, stinging thorn that has crippled me emotionally and left me crying out to God to remove it. I’m not sure if it’s the same thorn Paul had, but it hurts. I’ve felt it every day for as long as I can remember. The thing is I’ve never really been sure what the thorn was – what to call it; how to label it – until now.

OK. So now I get it - at least part of it. This morning, during my time with God, He showed me a clearer picture of what the thorn is. Up to now, like I said, I haven’t been able to put a name on it. I’ve just known how it’s made me feel: empty, hopeless, helpless, defeated, depressed, lonely, isolated, abandoned, frustrated, angry, envious and downright disappointed.

It’s that last word that I keyed in on this morning thanks to Proverbs 13:12: “Unrelenting disappointment leaves you heartsick. . . “ (The Message – emphasis added). So now I have one more word to describe how I feel: heartsick.

God has shown me that the thorn I suffer with and have suffered with as long as I can remember is “unrelenting disappointment.” The NIV calls it “hope deferred.” Either way, it sums up how I feel. I have an unrelenting disappointment with myself and the “me” that I am. Inside I have this longing to be a different person – one who is highly skilled, successful and deeply loved and affirmed by every one around me. Also, I want to have an ordered life that brings me peace; that satisfies my deep longings, and brings contentment to my soul. I want to be the person that has it all together, the girl everyone wants to be around. The “go to” girl.

I think I have been chasing this “phantom” my whole life. I’ve seen pieces of the “other me” in other people: “the successful career woman”, “the sought after companion”, “the much admired mother with the perfect children”; “the cherished wife”, “the woman with the lovely home”, and the “carefree traveler.” At least, I’ve seen what I thought were these women. That’s what it looks like from the outside. I know looks can be deceiving, and deceit comes from the “great deceiver” himself.

Nonetheless, these (distorted) snapshots of the “pieces” I’ve seen have reached down into my soul and stirred in me the aforementioned feelings. Inside I scream: “THAT’S WHAT I WANT.” For some reason, they are out of my grasp and my hope remains “deferred”.

And so Satan has placed in me a thorn of “unrelenting disappointment”. I haven’t been able to remove the thorn. Nothing I’ve tried has worked. A college degree hasn’t removed it. Marriage and children haven’t removed it. Friends haven’t removed it. Church work hasn’t removed it. Even losing 100 pounds hasn’t removed it. My hope remains deferred.

But does “deferred hope” mean “denied hope?” Can “unrelenting disappointment” give way to a steady flow of “continuous contentment”?

This morning an epiphany: What God has shown me is that I need to ask myself a question that He asks and answers, and only a “brave” person can accept the answer to: God asks me, “Am I enough for you?” Even if I never get past the disappointment with who I am and what I have: “Is God enough?”

What is God trying to show me through all this? What am I supposed to learn from it? How does it get me closer to being the woman God wants me to be? Surely, God doesn’t want me to carry around all those negative feelings. An answer came through my study of Angela Thomas’ Brave Bible study:

“. . . I had hoped I could choose humility through obedience to Christ. I would learn about humility from the Scriptures, apply that truth to my life, follow Jesus wholeheartedly, and therefore live as a humble woman. I still think that can happen for some people. But God in His sovereignty has allowed this longer, deeper, wider lesson about humility with my thorn.” (p. 52, Brave study workbook)

Humility. That’s what God wants me to learn. Satan has pierced me with the thorn. It remains lodged in me, stinging me, and God is using it to teach me. He knows that if I had those things I desired right now that they would lead to an arrogance and complacency in me that would make me believe I had all I needed without God.

I’m not sure if God doesn’t want to have or be those things I desire ever, or if He just doesn’t want me to have them yet. I do know that if I look back at my life, He has given me a taste of some of the things I desire, just not a “heaping helping” of them. The feeling of contentment has left as quickly as it’s come, and disappointment returns. Hope remains deferred.

Why? Because God doesn’t want me to be arrogant or complacent. He wants me to want Him. He wants me to see that He is enough – that even if I never get all those things He is enough. His grace is sufficient. Right now that stings a little. It doesn’t replace the “unrelenting disappointment” or the “deferred hope”. It is Truth, and if I can cross the canyon from where I’m at to acceptance of this truth I will be a better person. I will come closer to becoming the woman God wants me to be. And deep down, that’s all I really want.